That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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