god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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