working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
