and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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