im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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