i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
