It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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