somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
