In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
