My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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