you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
