Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
