How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
