theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
