Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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