I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish you could order shots online.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
