Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
