I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
