Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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