tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
