Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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