Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
