Please, let me fuck your mom
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
