the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
