Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
