You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
