i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
