did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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