HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
