Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
