I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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