My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
