She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
