Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
