her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
