I could make wine with my vomit
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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