He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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