Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
