FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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