There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
