So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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