Can i not drive my cunt home
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
