Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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