Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
