i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
