sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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