Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
