Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
