Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
