I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
