dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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