Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
